I’m a big worrier. I have been all of my life. The truth is that at any given moment half of me is in a land consumed with what ifs and bad endings.
The other night, after I fed Esther around 4:30, I couldn’t go to sleep. For an hour I laid in bed filled with anxiety, that seemed to have come out of nowhere. But the truth is it’s always there, hanging around just below the surface. What if something happens to Esther. What if something happens to Joshua. What if my dad doesn’t get better. What if we never have enough money. What if we keep falling short of our goals.
No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the spinning circle of anxiety out of my head. It was frustrating, I had access to the most precious commodity in my life right now – sleep. And I was wide awake consumed with worry while my husband was snoring next to me, and my daughter was sleeping sweetly in her crib.
Finally, I opened my Bible app – my saving grace on many occasions. There’s something about having the ability to be filled with truth at any time, no matter how crazy things may be at the moment. I opened a saved bible study titled Worry, now seemed like a better time than any to start it.
I quickly read through 7 days of scripture, devouring it – knowing that it was the only thing that could combat my anxieties and fears. I kept coming back to a sentence in the introduction:
“Worry is not knowing where you end and where God begins.”
As I read those words over and over again I took a deep quiet breath in the early morning light, so not to wake my family up and imagined just how small I really am in this world. I felt instant relief. I felt an instant peace. An internal calm.
Oh, how I wish this wasn’t a vice that I had to deal with. But it is, and it’s a big one. If I’m being honest, this is probably the biggest stronghold that the enemy has on me. I’m constantly struggling with what is larger, my worry or my God. Every day I have to surrender it to Him. I literally and figuratively get on my knees and ask forgiveness for being so prideful and stubborn and I ask Him to take the burden of it all. Because I can’t hold it on my own, I can’t do it on my own, I can’t fix it on my own. And it’s not my job to.
It’s my job to know where I end and where God begins.
The incredible thing about it is that God doesn’t start when we can no longer do it on our own. He is the Alpha and the Omega, he starts at the very beginning of all of it. He starts at the very beginning of us.
He’s with us the entire time. He has us the entire time.
God has me. He sees me. He hears me. He has me. This means that he has the messy situations that I’ve gotten myself into, He has my dreams and hopes that I strive towards, He has my fears and anxieties – the practical and impractical.
But most importantly and miraculously, He has my heart. He has the most precious piece of me and He is holding and protecting it with everything that He is.
And He is Everything.
So when those worries, fears and doubts creep in. When you become overwhelmed or underwhelmed. When you need to take a step but aren’t sure which one to take. Take a deep quiet breath and remember how big your God is.
And remember Beloved, God has you.