Have you ever had one of those days that takes you for a trip. Not a fun, spontaneous let’s get in the car and see where we end up kind of a trip. The kind where you have a much anticipated destination but the check engine light comes on as soon as you pull out of the driveway. You have to get gas but forget your wallet and just when you think you’re making it despite all the challenges you run over a nail and the tire blows.
Yeah. One of those days. I had “one of those days” not too long ago.
Despite my efforts to force through the minefield that was going off in my head – it seemed to take over. I tripped over a negative thought and it triggered one after another.
I was done, I felt defeated and ridiculous for thinking I could be anything but defeated. Ugh. It was ugly. And what made it worse was that I knew what was happening while it was happening. When I was feeling entitled and deflated I knew the enemy was rearing his pathetic and ugly face. I knew that it was an opportunity to rise above but honestly there was no fight left in this tired mama.
So what did I do? I raised the white flag and numbed out. I stared at my phone. I played on Pinterest. I blocked out all thoughts and feelings. And I started feeling better. The lies and nagging thoughts disappeared but so did any motivation or joy. Still aware of what I was doing, I chose to continue pacifying my feelings and just kept scrolling.
There’s nothing like a numb, surface living existence to
help you feel comforted and safe. The illusion that you’re
ok and everything is fine because there are no fires to put
out on the physical level – but there’s also no fire being
fueled on the kingdom level.
The minute we numb our heart and minds to God’s heart and mind is the moment we stop living and start just existing. And here’s where it gets tricky. When we choose to numb out and avoid the hard stuff, when we choose to ignore the way that God created us (our emotions, the ability to connect, feel, engage and even hurt), it can look and feel perfectly normal on the surface. People can actually believe that you’re thriving and doing great. Because the surface part of you looks ok. Because your energy is no longer invested in the deep, purposeful places with God -instead its wasted entirely on the physical world. Your life starts to become about moving piles of stuff. The focus becomes on how much you can accumulate, where you can get away to escape even more, how much you can fill yourself with food, how much you can hoard and hide in savings.
Accumulating, stuffing, reorganizing, discarding over and over again. It’s a vicious cycle that does everything it can to keep your body, heart and mind preoccupied with petty things so that you won’t give space to God.
When you numb out to God and his way of life everything else becomes meaningless. Even when we try to convince ourselves otherwise. It just becomes wasted space – and let’s be honest, you begin to feel like wasted space. Don’t get me wrong there is a temporary return. you probably feel satisfied, satiated, seen, sensual – for a moment. Then the moment passes and you start all over again.
I know, this isn’t easy to read. And chances are you are wanting to numb out right now. To move on to the next page or thing on your to do list. But stick with me.
Because here’s the deal Beloved, this is not the way you
were created to live. You are simply not designed for
numbed out surface living. You were created to crave and
long for eternity.
You were created for deep and meaningful relationships. Deep and meaningful work. Deep and meaningful lives. And yet somehow we always find ourselves reaching for the shallow and fleeting.
This is such a scheme of the enemy, can’t you see it? He’s going to try every way he can to make living apart from God and his design for you to feel comfortable, safe and convenient. It’s why you can’t rely solely on your emotions and feelings – if your heart and mind is not aligned with Christ then your emotions will lead you to the closest thing for that temporary fix. Maybe it’s a mindless scroll through Instagram, a pint of ice cream, taking on another project at work, or flirting with your coworker. These things seem relatively harmless but chances are they are your drug of choice to numb out. The truth is when aligned with God’s design these things can be completely acceptable. But you have to ask yourself – where is your heart?
Let me be real and completely open with you. I struggle with this. A lot. I have a huge tendency to numb myself to my feelings, my body and relationships. So I get it. I understand how intoxicating and safe it can feel to not feel anything. But I have completely surrendered to the fact that I was not created to live this way. And this is something that I believe God is confronting in me with my work through Revelation Wellness. And as scary and uncomfortable as it is for me to face everything that I have worked so hard to numb out – I’m so ready for deep and meaningful living. Aren’t you?
So let’s be brave and do this together.